The “Mean Girl” Mums. 

Have you ever watched the film ‘Mean Girls ‘? If not, its basically a teen comedy film made in 2004 where a teenage girl named Cady (played by Lindsay Logan) moves from South Africa to Illinois where she gets to experience High School and the bitchy cliques that come with it.

Well tonight I was reminded of that group when I was on an advice page for parents that was discussing unique baby names.

It’s a hot topic that gained literally hundreds of comments. So many parents were keen to show off pictures of their offspring and their names.

There were some truly beautifully names appearing like Caoimhe (pronounced Keeva), Harrison, Kai, Dixie.. So many to choose from in fact.

Of course there were some names that many might find controversial.. And one woman commented that her daughter was named Princess.

Now this raises my next question.. Who’s fucking business is it what someone chooses to call their baby?

In my opinion.. Nobody’s. Unless someone tries to call their child something really wild like “tampon” then why should we care. If the parent is happy then who are we to judge? 

Apparently I don’t think the same what as other people though. This poor woman got jumped on and ridiculed for calling her child Princess.. Some laughing at her, others ridiculing the grammar of the comments.. Some people even going as far as saying she had ruined the childs life and that the child will grow up hating her. 

It was like lions setting on their prey and going in for the kill. This woman got hounded good and proper and her whole life ripped to bits by other mums who had never even met her. 

What. The. Fuck.

Since when did we become such a horrible society?  You’d have thought that this poor woman had just announced that she had committed a serious crime. 

We are all adults, so when the fuck are we going to start acting like it? Mums should be supporting and helping each other.. Not taking the piss out of each others kids and the names that their parents have given them.

It’s 2017, grow up and stop acting like we’re back in high school. 

My daughters name is Adalyn, does that mean she will grow up hating me? Doubt it.

So to the “Mean Girl” Mums I say this, grease your shoes and slide on because your comments are intimidating, vicious and worthless. 

And for the record, I think that baby Princess is beautiful.. And her mumma should be proud. 


Remembering who you are..

There are times in life you may feel like you have nothing, when in actual fact you have everything you will ever need.

At the age of 22 here I am; I have my own house which overlooks the sea, my own car which I own outright, a dog, a career in Nursing and a beautiful 5 month old daughter who’s smile could brighten the darkest corners of the earth. 

My life isn’t perfect, but I’m yet to meet anybody who’s is. What is “perfect” anyway? 

My childhood is not one that I want to remember.. Trauma and sexual abuse that will scar me for a lifetime. Slowly but surely, the forbidden memories that are my childhood are beginning to bubble back to the surface one by one, leaving me with some days where I can’t cope.. Or for a better term, days where I don’t know how to cope. 

My teen years were filled with their fair share of heartache. Meeting my first love, having boyfriends, battling my way through high school, being told I would never be able to have children, being bullied and beaten, sitting (and failing) exams, drinking, exploring drugs and just generally experiencing a wild few years.

At the age of 17 though, my life changed forever. Shortly after passing my driving test (God only knows how!) I met my soulmate. 

We met at a beach party but didn’t hit things off right away. In actual fact, I remember calling him an arsehole and muttering to my friends how much of a twat he seemed. But sure enough, we got talking and fell in love. 

I moved in with him into a small little flat and we muddled our way through, often with no money and having to live off of baked beans for weeks on end. 

I got the grades I needed to go to university and so I did. I studied nursing for 3 years, working numerous jobs as well as being full time at university, muddling along trying to keep my head above water and trying to keep our household afloat. 

2015 came and I graduated as an Adult Nurse at the age of 20. My relationship with my partner hit the rocks and he left me. 

Copious amounts of alcohol and a broken heart later, and not to mention having to move back in with my parents, I landed myself a job as a nurse and began getting my life back on track. 

However this was not the end, in 2016 our paths met again and we decided to make things work. In time, I moved back in and we were better than ever. I fell pregnant with my miracle baby girl and thought that life would be perfect. Pah, how naive. 

In February 2017 my daughter was born weighing a whopping 9lbs 4Oz. We gave her the middle name Hope, as a symbolic gesture to always have hope. 

Things were tough. And I mean tough. My newborn daughter was in and out of hospital, I had developed severe post natal depression along with anxiety and refused to accept that this baby was mine. In fact I was adament that I was babysitting someone else’s baby and I just hated this baby. Things took a sour turn and my partner tried to kill himself, before choosing to leave me and my daughter once again. At the same time, the awful memories from my childhood began to surface and take their toll on my mental health. 

Things were awful, I can’t even lie about that. But I once again muddled on. I sought help and began bonding with this baby who had turned my world upside down.. I waded through the endless nappy changes and sleepless nights. I held her close and tried to soothe her when she was unwell. I spent (and still do) many days wandering about looking like a zombie, but with the added glamour of being covered in baby sick/pee/poo/dribble or if I’m really lucky, a combination of all 4. London fashion week ain’t got nothing on my glamorous “mum clothes”.

 I did everything I could, and in the darkest hour of the darkest day, my daughter got me through. Her smile lit up my whole life, and gave me hope once again. 

Slowly, I began to build a relationship back up with her dad. I don’t know where it will lead but for now I’m happy and we are friends. We don’t agree on everything, but we compromise to make sure we do what’s best for our daughter. 

It’s not all fun and games.. I battle my demons on a daily basis, but I’m determined to make sure my girl never experiences a childhood like mine. She does give me hope after all. 

Being a single parent is fucking hard work.. But it’s worth it. It’s worth every last tear, every last tantrum and every last sleep deprived night. 

Some days are easy, others are impossible.. But you will get through. 

Things have been very difficult.. And lately ive been just trying to take each day as it comes, but tonight I sat down for the first time in months and actually looked at my life.

I’ve been very tough on myself and definitely don’t give myself enough credit. I’ve felt like I have nothing, but really I’ve got everything some people could ask for. I’m very lucky to have the life that I have.

But do remember, nobody’s life is perfect. And we are all human. 

I’ve taken time to remember who I am, and I’m glad I did. I’ve achieved more than I could every have hoped to achieve in the 22 short years I’ve been on this planet. 


A Cry For Help – The Difficult Poem

We all know

That life’s not fun and games,

But what do we do

When everyday turns the same?


The thoughts, the memories

They don’t go away,

The thoughts, the depression,

They’re all here to stay.


The worry, the panic,

The constant battle,

Far too many thoughts

That make your head rattle.


The flashbacks, the fear,

Feeling like you’re no good,

The feeling of worthlessness

That controls your mood.


But where do you turn

When there is no support?

When sometimes you just want

To slit your own throat.


When you’ve lost your strength

And feel so weak,

When you feel nothing more

Apart from being a freak.


What do you do

When you’ve lost your fight?

When you’ve given up

And lost the light. 


They told you once

To take each day as it comes,

To just hold on

Until they find you someone.


It won’t last forever

There will be help

But do they even 

Hear you yelp? 


They tell you to call

That someone will always be there..

But where are they now

When you’re pulling out your hair?


Just take each day,

Just try to hold on.

Just try to remember

You’d be missed if you were gone.


Find a reason,

Just give it time..

Even if your life

Feels like a mountain to climb.



Diet Tales- The Motivation and the Ridicule

At some point or another, we have all muttered the words “I’m going to lose weight”, usually followed by starting a fad diet that claims you’ll lose 2 stone in 10 days (but at what cost to your health?!)
I have also been guilty of muttering those famous words and have tried most fad diets out there. Usually though, I cave after a few days and binge on some chocolate and end up weighing even more than I did before.

A few months ago, I had my baby girl. She has changed my world forever. I’ve piled a few extra pounds on since having her, mostly due to stuffing my face when I wake up ravenous during the night feeds. However, I didn’t think much of it as I knew I’d try to lose the extra pounds eventually. 

Im 5ft 10 and used to be a size 10, but here I am now a size 16/18. I don’t look massively big, but enough for me to want to lose some weight and look healthy again.

I haven’t been well mentally since having my baby, struggling with post natal depression and anxiety.. So was started on medications as well as contraception that all cause weight gain as a side effect (although let’s face it, stuffing my face with chocolate plays a big part in my weight struggles). So really, my mental health had to take priority.. The will to lose weight took a seat on the back burner..

Until Friday.
On Friday I went out for a few drinks with friends. I hadn’t been on a night out since 2015 and hadn’t had a single drink since then (God knows how, cause quite frankly some days I could be doing with a few glasses.. Okay, bottles).. Anyway, back to my point.. I spent ages putting on makeup, doing my hair and picking out a suitable outfit.. Something that you can’t do often when you’ve got a mini puking and pooping machine in your care 24/7. 

I honestly felt quite good about myself after my mini-makeover. I felt human again. My self confidence finally picking itself back up off the floor. 

So away I went, ready to enjoy my night. After 2 drinks in one pub, we decided to walk half a mile down the road to another club that we knew would be busier. It all went down hill from here.. 

On leaving the first club we bumped into a group of men, also on a night out. But instead of kind exchanges and going on their way, I was met with abuse.

They followed us the whole way, making comment about “the girl with the red hair” (I.e me)  

“look at that whale!!!”

“her arse is so huge it could cause an eclipse”

“beached whale”


“eurgh look at her thinking shes pretty.. Ugly dog”

The list went on. And on. And on. 

Then they started kicking cans and objects at me, to ensure I got their message.

I don’t usually find myself offended by comments, but I can honestly say I went home and sobbed.. And sobbed.. And sobbed.

Amd that is the reason now I’m going to lose weight. 

But there is one thing I want to say.. Please, before making comments to strangers (or even people you know), remember that you don’t know what they’re going through. I managed to hold myself strong, but I know others who wouldn’t. 

Although there will be no fad diets this time, I just want to be able to lose weight and feel healthier. And hopefully avoid any more ridicule. 

But in future, I think I’ll happily just sit on my fat whale arse, eat chocolate and know that there’s nobody judging me apart from my dog- who’s only judging me because I wont give her some!  

All Aboard The Waverley!

The Waverley is the last sailing paddle steamer boat in the world, an incredible piece of engineering launched In 1947. 

Seeing as I have foreign relatives visiting just now, we decided a trip aboard the waverly would be a good way to spend the glorious, hot, summers day. 

We stood on the breakwater watching the Waverley dock. What a magnificent beauty it really is. The paddles slowed before the gangplanks were raised.

I look at my pram then looked at the steep, rocky, thin gangplanks. “oh no”.. However, the crew of volunteers came and helped to lift the pram on board. 

We spent hours on the Waverley, travelling between our destinations. I spent most of my time in the engine room, watching the mechanics of the boat and listening to the whurring as well as feeling the inferno of heat coming from the engines. 

I had to laugh at the cushions on the low roofs to stop us hitting our heads on the low parts of the Boat. I was half expecting to find a sign that said “please dont sue us!”.

The atmosphere was amazing. So many happy people, the sun shining, the captain describing all of the places we were passing and the crew working hard to ensure we were all happy and well fed.

Even my young daughter was happy.. And let me tell you, she can be a right grumpy baby at times!

I had to laugh though, as we passed the nuclear weapons Base at Faslane, the captain encouraged passengers to look off the other side of the boat at the very interesting forest… Yep, a forest. How interesting. As if we won’t notice the large nuclear weapons Base and men with guns on the other side.

Overall though, the day was magnificent. A day that distracted me from the realities of life, and allowed me to spend valuable time with my family. 

If you ever get the opportunity to go on the Waverley, I highly recommend that you do!

When you’re going through hell, keep going!

The one phrase that has quickly been adopted into my life is “when you’re going through hell, keep going”. I’ve never been one to go by these sayings, but truthfully it’s been the one thing keeping me grounded.

But how did it get to this point? Truthfully, it’s been a multitude of things. 

Firstly, my partner of years tried to kill himself. From there on things just got even worse. 

Our baby girl was just 7 weeks old. It was 9pm and I had finally got her down to sleep, my partner told me just to try get rest as I had been doing alot of night feeds and not getting much sleep. He was happily sitting watching TV but said he would come through to bed shortly. 

Midnight came and he still hadn’t come to bed and I just had a gut feeling something was wrong. What happened next will stay with me forever.. 

I walked bleary-eyed past the living room, noticing a few drops of blood on the floor. I didn’t think much of it as I knew my dog was coming into heat, but decided I may aswell clean it whilst I was up. As I approached the living room I noticed more blood but couldn’t work out what was wrong. I entered the living room and found my partner sitting on the couch, a razor blade in hand trying to cut his own throat after already slashing his wrists, stomach, legs and arms. 

At first i didn’t make much sense of it, until my adrenaline kicked in. I knew I had to keep calm but I just wanted to panic. He wouldn’t let me phone an ambulance, but by some form of a miracle I managed to convince him to get into my car so I could take him to get some help.

The rest of the details are irrelevant, but the one thing I will say is that the mental health services let him down. Things had been bad for a while but nothing was taken seriously, even when I took him to the hospital that night they were going to discharge him.

Thankfully though, he does now have the help and support that he needs. Me being one of them, and I will always love him unconditionally and help him when I can.

After this incident he was in hospital for a while, and during this time he decided that he didn’t want to be in a relationship anymore as being a dad was too stressful.. So my partner became my ex partner.

Truthfully though, this was only the beginning of the problems.. For both of us.

I knew being a single mum wouldn’t be easy. I was also very worried about my ex partner and still am to this day. However I had just been diagnosed with severe post natal depression and anxiety. I thought that my baby girl was just some random baby that I was looking after, and truthfully I didn’t love or even like her.

I was also dealing with sexual abuse from my own childhood as well as a few other things and now faced the problem of being made homeless with my baby girl.

I myself was close to crashing and burning. And truthfully I wanted to kill myself.

BUT.. I got help. I spoke to my gp and truthfully I believe she saved my life. She got me in touch with the mental health team and councillors and also helped me sort my life out. She went way beyond the call of duty.

But she said one thing that will always stay with me: when you’re going through hell, just keep going.
Dont get me wrong, things are still tough but I know I’ll get through. We will get through. All thanks to her.

I now love my baby girl more than anything on this earth, I have a beautiful new house, I got the help I need and regularly see the mental health team and councillors, but most importantly I was able to talk things through with my ex and keep him as a friend. We may never be together again, but we will always remain a family and we are able to help each other.
Mental health takes its toll on everyone involved. Don’t give up. 

There is always help if you need it, and help can be found in the most unlikely of places.
My goal and reason for writing this is to give some home truths, but also to help others if I can. 

There are also numbers you can contact if you need someone to talk to including:

Breathing space on 0800 83 85 87 

Samaratins: 116 123

NHS 24: 111

There’s always someone that will listen. And I will listen if nobody else will.

I can be contacted at:

Darkness- An Honest Poem

In the depth of the darkness,

When there is no light.

When you need to find something

To get you through the night.


The tears, the trauma,

The endless pain-

The darkest of thoughts

flood through your brain. 


Family and friends,

They don’t understand

Even those who try to help you,

May sink you further in quicksand.


What would you do

Just to feel numb?

Would you pick up a razor..

Would you succumb?


If only there was something

That could take the pain away,

Something that would help

To get through each day.


A shimmer, a shadow,

A small glimmer of hope,

We will try until we find something

That will help you cope.


A hug, a smile

A cup of tea,

Just keep on trying

Until you get through to me.


Give me some patience

And some time to heal,

It may take time to recover

From this awful ordeal.


In the depth of the darkness

When you don’t feel right,

There’s no shame in asking

For help to shine bright.


If there’s just one thing

That I could say to you,

Its not to give up-

We will get through.



The Things You Don’t See…

Sunday- the day of rest for many.

Just another day really.. You get up, you get ready for the day, you do your hair and makeup, you do your chores, you take the dog out, you go to the supermarket, you bump into people you know, a stranger compliments your hair, you return home, family come by unannounced to visit, you make your dinner, you have a bath then you go to bed.

Sound like a normal day? Nothing unusual about it? Perhaps, yes, but not when you live with crippling anxiety and depression.

Here’s how it really went…

I spent most of the night watching the clock.. listening to every “tick ” as the seconds, minutes and hours went by. My mind on overdrive. I’ve always struggled with nighttime, the darkness that just creeps over you, the silence, the time that allows you to revisit every bad thing that’s ever happened in your life. 

But finally, morning comes. I’m exhausted.. so, so exhausted. I struggle to find the motivation to get out of bed, wondering how I’ll get through another day. I spend the next 25 minutes lying in bed debating the many “what if” scenarios that could occur throughout my day.

What if I were to drop dead today? What if I run into my ex? What if I go out and everybody is judging me? What if I have a panic attack? 

I’m brought out of my trance by my Labrador licking my face, trying to give me the hint that she wants her breakfast! So out of bed I go, black bags under my eyes, stumbling to the kitchen to give the dog her breakfast.

I spend another hour showering and getting ready. I dry my hair and catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror before doing my makeup. “Your a worthless piece of shit, don’t forget that” .. “look at the state of you” .. “no wonder he left you” .. “everybody thinks you’re ugly” .. “why bother?” .. so many thoughts whizz through my head. 

I do the chores then take the dog for a walk. Being a typical Labrador, she just bounds down the stairs and stands at the door with her tail wagging and pacing excitedly. I’d love to be a Labrador, they never seem to be sad. I put the lead on the dog and give myself a pep talk before stepping out the door. I already have my route planned so that I shouldn’t meet anybody when I’m out. I prefer to be alone and rely on these peaceful walks to clear my head.

The dog walk goes well.. I feel completely relieved that I was able to walk down to the beach without having to interact or even see another person. The dog has done her business and enjoyed a game of fetch. Most importantly, my head is now clearer.

With my confidence soaring from my walk, I decide to be brave and go to the supermarket for some essentials. I have been putting it off for too long. I drive there, assuring myself that I will be in and out in a matter of minutes and memorise the list of things that I need.. milk, bread, eggs, mayonnaise, cereal, chicken, rice.

I arrive at the supermarket but cannot bring myself to get out of the car. What if it’s busy? What if I bump into people? What if I can’t find the things I need? What if I have a panic attack? What if I drop my basket?

After 15 minutes of sitting in my car, I finally brave it and get out. I start to sweat as I enter the shop, my heart pounds in my ears, I begin to shake. I stop and try to pull myself together, pretending to look at a sign on the door, hoping nobody will notice. I remind myself that I will be out in just a few minutes. 

I manage to calm myself down and hurriedly get the items I need. My heart still pounding and my hands shaking.. all I need to do now is pay for my shopping and leave.

I opt for the self-service checkouts, so that I don’t have to communicate with another human. I start to scan my shopping until I hear a familiar voice. “Hello!” 

Instantly I panic, it’s a friend of someone I know. They begin to chatter away but I cannot hear a word they are saying.. instead I am panicking again. I need out of here. I can’t speak to people today. I bet they are sitting thinking I’m such a mess. Why are they talking to me?  After what seems like an eternity they leave and I try to finish my shopping. I pack my bags and head towards the door. Nearly there, but what if the buzzers go off and they think I’m shoplifting.?

I get out of the store and head for my car. I need out of here. I need to get home. I’m overwhelmed and exhausted. My hands are still shaking. I wish I had never left the house. What was I thinking?

A lady stops me to compliment my hair, I thank her quickly but rush away wondering why she did that… does it look horrible and she just wants me to feel better? Was she secretly laughing at me?

I finally get to the safety of my house. But hear a car pulling up as I unpack my shopping. My family appear. I love my family but why are they here? Do they have bad news? Have I done something Wrong? Has someone died? Why didn’t they call to say they were coming? I feel overwhelmed again and begin to panic.. why are they here? I just want to lock my door and relax.

They come in and I make them a cup of tea. They just wanted to see how I was. “Fine” I told them, forcing a smile. They wouldn’t understand the truth. They’d think I’m mad. I’m already a letdown to them.

Eventually they leave. I make my dinner and try to relax. I recap on my day. I feel like such a fool for worrying all day.. I must have looked so stupid. 

I go to bed and begin the whole cycle again. 

I worry about the past, the present and the future.. I worry about everything. 

My anxiety begins to get out of control as the darkness comes again.

It’s a harsh reality, one I face every day. Depression and anxiety ruin my life. I may look fine to others, or perhaps even manage to smile. I may look as if I’m functioning, But there’s a whole other side to me that you cannot see: The mental illness that I’m battling every minute of every day. The thoughts that I’m not good enough. The thoughts of harm. The constant panic attacks. 

I am lucky enough to now have the input of a psychiatrist, mental health nurses, councillors and my GP, but it took a lot for me to find the courage to ask for help.

I was always ashamed and embarrassed, thinking that I was crazy, too scared to ask for help. Struggling through my life. I still do, but I don’t feel that shame anymore and I’m getting help and support that I need.

Just remember though, just because I look “fine” or say that I am doesn’t mean it’s actually true. Every day is a battle, and even the smallest of things can be the  biggest challenges.

That’s the reality of mental health issues.

An Introduction to the Blog..

I may only have been on this earth for a couple of decades, but already I have faced my fair share of challenges. I use the word “challenges” very loosely here due to the fact that some of the things I have faced are enough to break a person. 

Honestly though, we are all a little broken, and I am no exception to that. 

It hasn’t all been doom and gloom though.. With the bad also comes the good and I hope to cover all aspects of my life!

There have been many significant events and topics which I aim to cover through my posts, some of which include; Childhood abuse, rape, my journey with mental health, battling infertility, living with chronic pain, dealing with Endometriosis, bullying, my achievements so far, strength, passion and love.

It’s not going to be easy, but it’s going to be worthwhile.. So buckle up, get your cup of tea ready and join me through all the ins and outs of my life.