Remembering who you are..

There are times in life you may feel like you have nothing, when in actual fact you have everything you will ever need.

At the age of 22 here I am; I have my own house which overlooks the sea, my own car which I own outright, a dog, a career in Nursing and a beautiful 5 month old daughter who’s smile could brighten the darkest corners of the earth. 

My life isn’t perfect, but I’m yet to meet anybody who’s is. What is “perfect” anyway? 

My childhood is not one that I want to remember.. Trauma and sexual abuse that will scar me for a lifetime. Slowly but surely, the forbidden memories that are my childhood are beginning to bubble back to the surface one by one, leaving me with some days where I can’t cope.. Or for a better term, days where I don’t know how to cope. 

My teen years were filled with their fair share of heartache. Meeting my first love, having boyfriends, battling my way through high school, being told I would never be able to have children, being bullied and beaten, sitting (and failing) exams, drinking, exploring drugs and just generally experiencing a wild few years.

At the age of 17 though, my life changed forever. Shortly after passing my driving test (God only knows how!) I met my soulmate. 

We met at a beach party but didn’t hit things off right away. In actual fact, I remember calling him an arsehole and muttering to my friends how much of a twat he seemed. But sure enough, we got talking and fell in love. 

I moved in with him into a small little flat and we muddled our way through, often with no money and having to live off of baked beans for weeks on end. 

I got the grades I needed to go to university and so I did. I studied nursing for 3 years, working numerous jobs as well as being full time at university, muddling along trying to keep my head above water and trying to keep our household afloat. 

2015 came and I graduated as an Adult Nurse at the age of 20. My relationship with my partner hit the rocks and he left me. 

Copious amounts of alcohol and a broken heart later, and not to mention having to move back in with my parents, I landed myself a job as a nurse and began getting my life back on track. 

However this was not the end, in 2016 our paths met again and we decided to make things work. In time, I moved back in and we were better than ever. I fell pregnant with my miracle baby girl and thought that life would be perfect. Pah, how naive. 

In February 2017 my daughter was born weighing a whopping 9lbs 4Oz. We gave her the middle name Hope, as a symbolic gesture to always have hope. 

Things were tough. And I mean tough. My newborn daughter was in and out of hospital, I had developed severe post natal depression along with anxiety and refused to accept that this baby was mine. In fact I was adament that I was babysitting someone else’s baby and I just hated this baby. Things took a sour turn and my partner tried to kill himself, before choosing to leave me and my daughter once again. At the same time, the awful memories from my childhood began to surface and take their toll on my mental health. 

Things were awful, I can’t even lie about that. But I once again muddled on. I sought help and began bonding with this baby who had turned my world upside down.. I waded through the endless nappy changes and sleepless nights. I held her close and tried to soothe her when she was unwell. I spent (and still do) many days wandering about looking like a zombie, but with the added glamour of being covered in baby sick/pee/poo/dribble or if I’m really lucky, a combination of all 4. London fashion week ain’t got nothing on my glamorous “mum clothes”.

 I did everything I could, and in the darkest hour of the darkest day, my daughter got me through. Her smile lit up my whole life, and gave me hope once again. 

Slowly, I began to build a relationship back up with her dad. I don’t know where it will lead but for now I’m happy and we are friends. We don’t agree on everything, but we compromise to make sure we do what’s best for our daughter. 

It’s not all fun and games.. I battle my demons on a daily basis, but I’m determined to make sure my girl never experiences a childhood like mine. She does give me hope after all. 

Being a single parent is fucking hard work.. But it’s worth it. It’s worth every last tear, every last tantrum and every last sleep deprived night. 

Some days are easy, others are impossible.. But you will get through. 

Things have been very difficult.. And lately ive been just trying to take each day as it comes, but tonight I sat down for the first time in months and actually looked at my life.

I’ve been very tough on myself and definitely don’t give myself enough credit. I’ve felt like I have nothing, but really I’ve got everything some people could ask for. I’m very lucky to have the life that I have.

But do remember, nobody’s life is perfect. And we are all human. 

I’ve taken time to remember who I am, and I’m glad I did. I’ve achieved more than I could every have hoped to achieve in the 22 short years I’ve been on this planet. 



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