The one phrase that has quickly been adopted into my life is “when you’re going through hell, keep going”. I’ve never been one to go by these sayings, but truthfully it’s been the one thing keeping me grounded.
But how did it get to this point? Truthfully, it’s been a multitude of things.
Firstly, my partner of years tried to kill himself. From there on things just got even worse.
Our baby girl was just 7 weeks old. It was 9pm and I had finally got her down to sleep, my partner told me just to try get rest as I had been doing alot of night feeds and not getting much sleep. He was happily sitting watching TV but said he would come through to bed shortly.
Midnight came and he still hadn’t come to bed and I just had a gut feeling something was wrong. What happened next will stay with me forever..
I walked bleary-eyed past the living room, noticing a few drops of blood on the floor. I didn’t think much of it as I knew my dog was coming into heat, but decided I may aswell clean it whilst I was up. As I approached the living room I noticed more blood but couldn’t work out what was wrong. I entered the living room and found my partner sitting on the couch, a razor blade in hand trying to cut his own throat after already slashing his wrists, stomach, legs and arms.
At first i didn’t make much sense of it, until my adrenaline kicked in. I knew I had to keep calm but I just wanted to panic. He wouldn’t let me phone an ambulance, but by some form of a miracle I managed to convince him to get into my car so I could take him to get some help.
The rest of the details are irrelevant, but the one thing I will say is that the mental health services let him down. Things had been bad for a while but nothing was taken seriously, even when I took him to the hospital that night they were going to discharge him.
Thankfully though, he does now have the help and support that he needs. Me being one of them, and I will always love him unconditionally and help him when I can.
After this incident he was in hospital for a while, and during this time he decided that he didn’t want to be in a relationship anymore as being a dad was too stressful.. So my partner became my ex partner.
Truthfully though, this was only the beginning of the problems.. For both of us.
I knew being a single mum wouldn’t be easy. I was also very worried about my ex partner and still am to this day. However I had just been diagnosed with severe post natal depression and anxiety. I thought that my baby girl was just some random baby that I was looking after, and truthfully I didn’t love or even like her.
I was also dealing with sexual abuse from my own childhood as well as a few other things and now faced the problem of being made homeless with my baby girl.
I myself was close to crashing and burning. And truthfully I wanted to kill myself.
BUT.. I got help. I spoke to my gp and truthfully I believe she saved my life. She got me in touch with the mental health team and councillors and also helped me sort my life out. She went way beyond the call of duty.
But she said one thing that will always stay with me: when you’re going through hell, just keep going.
Dont get me wrong, things are still tough but I know I’ll get through. We will get through. All thanks to her.
I now love my baby girl more than anything on this earth, I have a beautiful new house, I got the help I need and regularly see the mental health team and councillors, but most importantly I was able to talk things through with my ex and keep him as a friend. We may never be together again, but we will always remain a family and we are able to help each other.
Mental health takes its toll on everyone involved. Don’t give up.
There is always help if you need it, and help can be found in the most unlikely of places.
My goal and reason for writing this is to give some home truths, but also to help others if I can.
There are also numbers you can contact if you need someone to talk to including:
Breathing space on 0800 83 85 87
Samaratins: 116 123
NHS 24: 111
There’s always someone that will listen. And I will listen if nobody else will.
I can be contacted at: